but president obama, he had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watching you stand up here and do what i do. so now it's only fair that i get to do what you do. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i'll be mired in a tense, dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. now right away i'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. congratulations. as you all know, the president is hard at work creating jobs. since he was first elected the number of popes has doubled. and the number of "tonight show" hosts has tripled. congratulations! and while i'm at it, i'd like to congratulation george w. bush on this week's dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles and documents. and if you go you can be the first to read them. you can't hurt me. now ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i'm going to share something with you people. and this doesn't leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence because we'